Robert - 38

“I am not a profound individual; I am merely a student to this healing process. I am a little boy who is feeling abandoned and longing to be coddled by a mother who can’t. Tonight, I sit with the little boy and hold him close, saying, you are loved.” - Written four months after my ex-wife moved out.

Divorce, the death of a relationship. At first it felt like my own visceral death. It hit hard for me. I had put so much of my self-worth into my partner. I abandoned myself to maintain the relationship and remain in the marriage. I lost touch with my friends, family and more importantly my true self, my identity. I gave all my power away and when the relationship ended, I went through a deep depression of loneliness and despair. During that time, I often wondered who men undergoing difficult life transitions like myself reached out to for healthy healing conversations? Like many men, I had no “true friends” or support to lean on through the process.

Thankfully, I did not reach for a bottle, a joint, or another unhealthy coping mechanism to suppress my feelings. This was not an option for me, I have two beautiful daughters, and the thought of hurting them by numbing out was unfathomable. For me, the healing was in the feeling. Allowing myself to FEEL through the pain and sadness gave me an opportunity to integrate it into a better version of myself. I joined a men’s group, which I am still a part of, that container has allowed me to be vulnerable and share my story without the ridicule I had experienced in the past. Shamed for being sensitive or having big feelings or emotions. I was raised amongst wolves, young men that sniffed out that sensitivity and labeled any vulnerability a weakness. It was time to rid the toxic behaviours ingrained in me. It was time to grow up.

My ex gifted me by leaving. She was the catalyst for my awakening. That first night alone in my home, I sat empty without the energy and warmth of my partner or my daughters. This was my cosmic 2x4 hitting smack in the middle of my face. I was broken, depressed, heart shattered, I felt lost, and began to question everything. What the fuck did I do wrong? Why doesn’t she love me? What’s wrong with me? How the fuck did I end up in this position? What about our family? How will this affect our daughters? Do I even belong on this earth? My heart cracked wide open.

The deep work came by not only acknowledging my pain but the pain I had caused my ex. I didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated, I own that, and I take responsibility for my part. I reclaimed my wholeness and realized that I am worthy of a deep, loving, intimate connection. This didn’t happen until I gave this love to myself and learned that I deserved to be loved and chosen.

Had I not learned to love myself, I would have jumped from one toxic relationship to the next, I would have continued to people please while self-sabotaging myself from any form of healthy personal growth. I would have grown further away from what I now know is a solid masculine example for my family. I would have stayed in the mindset of that sad little boy that didn’t get his way. Going through life hurting others and himself. Pushing people away and living a life without purpose. My girls would have struggled. So, what have I learned? I abandoned myself to do the “right” thing. I thought it would be honorable to stay in my relationship, to raise children with a person that I didn’t even really know. What I learned, was that I didn’t really know myself.

Choosing a different path, and going through this journey, I’ve been very fortunate to connect with solid individuals who have been able to provide a safe space for me to reclaim my true self. I found great support through men’s groups and the conscious community who challenge me and hold me accountable to show up, to look at how my actions affect others, and to strive to grow into the best version of myself. I have become a person who feels and loves deeply. I’m thriving in my community and serving others by creating space for them on their own healing journeys. I have uncovered the version of myself who has a passionate admiration for life and the human experience. I’ve identified my core values; and live them with integrity. I have integrated my shadow and constantly challenge myself to be a healthy example of masculine energy for those around me. By no means am I perfect, I still fuck up, but I continue to ground and connect myself daily through breathwork, meditation and other forms of self care. “I AM PRESENT, AND I AM HERE TO CHANGE MY FUCKIN STORY.”

To any man going through a divorce, you do not have to go at it alone. There are many support systems that are available if you are open to healing through this process. With the death of your relationship, a new beginning can be born. There is an opportunity to learn from this experience and to step into a wiser version of yourself. This is an opportunity to write a new narrative. Going through this process, I have learned to be more present and appreciate life more fully, both the good and bad. If I hadn’t experienced this deep pain, then I wouldn’t be able to truly revel in the glorious experiences of joy that now abundantly surround me.

Mine is a story of death and being reborn.

“And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die, and so to grow, you will always be only a troubled guest on the dark earth.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Music - Robert’s music choices during our photo session included, Nick Mulvey, Glass Animals, Trevor Hall, Dua Lipa and Slenderbodies.