Lenny - 33

My name is Lenny. I’m a 33-year-old full-time musician. Born in Russia, my parents brought my brother and I to Vancouver when I was three years old so we wouldn’t have to serve our mandatory military time. To this day, I can’t properly express my gratitude to them, as this truly feels like home.

Since I can remember, I’ve always been introspective, maybe to a fault. As a kid, I struggled with a lack of belonging. This likely stems from having very little cohesion in my home growing up. Our family was deeply complex. My parents loved us dearly throughout childhood; I never felt the lack of that. However, the tension and animosity between my parents, the yelling, and the toxicity really eroded the sense of emotional safety in our home. Naturally, as a teen, I isolated myself and turned to weed, escapism, and numbing behaviours to ignore the discomfort I felt whenever I was at home.

I acted out in many ways: as the class clown, as a shit disturber at school, as a bully at times, and as the centre of attention with the popular crowd that I realized in hindsight weren’t my real friends, as none of them stayed in my life.

This sense of belonging, and low self-esteem, guilt, and shame, has weighed heavy well into my adulthood, so I dedicated myself to healing, self-growth, therapy, and everything in the adjacent realms. With the privilege of being in Canada and growing up in this time, I’ve come to understand that I have the opportunity to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma within my family, and it’s something I don’t take lightly. Whether I have kids or not, I’m proud to know that I’m showing up, doing the work, and creating and writing my own fresh story.

I’ve come immensely far in self-love and self-acceptance, but there’s a lingering feeling that I’m the bad guy, logically knowing I’m not, but multiple decades of conditioning often trump logic, and healing takes time. Through the men’s work community and shadow work, I’ve found a lot more peace with the messiest parts of being human, and I feel much more able to show up authentically.

One thing I’ve learned throughout my life is that vulnerability is a strength, and I want part of my life to always be about advocating for more men to open up because I believe this shit can save lives. Ironically though, when I’m not feeling great, I have a tendency to isolate myself, to escape, and to ghost text messages, emails, and most forms of contact at random, even from people I love. Logically, replying is easy, but for whatever reason, my brain gets overwhelmed and the Freeze response kicks in hard.
I’m slowly learning how to practise self-compassion, but it can be challenging when the messaging in my head goes so far the other way. I’m incredibly lucky to have great friends in my life who give me that compassion, so I’m hoping I can reach a point where I can consistently give it to myself.

At this point in my life, my goals are to become the best musician I possibly can, to be financially free, and to find love, more friends, and community that align with my values, and to become the best possible version of myself. I strongly believe in accountability and that humans tend to underestimate just how much control they have over the outcomes in their lives.

I think a big part of becoming an adult involves two points of mourning: mourning the life I thought I’d have at 33, and mourning who I wanted my parents to be, understanding that they are who they are, and finding peace with that. Accepting my parents as they are is a big part of also accepting who I am, and accepting the one thing I really can change: myself.

Music - Lenny’s music choices during our photo session included Tom Misch, Allen Stone, and Theo Katzman.